I made this room as a simple cute little thing to chill in, it didn't need to be like, crazy decorated, it didn't even need to be GOOD, hell, the black snow code is just something I found on google. I kind of just made this like to prove I can make something nice that at least one person will appreciate I guess.

You see, I'm not doing so well mentally right now, or at least I think I'm not. I'm very afraid of death, and by extent time, aging and even change. I genuinely don't know how most people including myself at one point can live happily knowing it won't last forever. And I know this is a bad mentality, everyone lives, everyone dies it's nothing special, but it MAKES life special, I know this, but I can't stop thinking about it. I think the first time the realization that I was gonna age and die came to me a year ago in my art anatomy class, it had just been a few months (I think) after the worst moment in my life when my cat Hopi died, I just remember listening to Bodys by Car Seat Headrest and it suddenly struck me that I was one day gonna be as old as my teacher, and eventually even older, that my youth, which is all I've ever lived and known up to that point, was gonna end. But honestly it didn't affect me too bad just yet, I just cared a bit more about my wellbeing after that. It was later on that my thoughts worsened and worsened until I suddenly felt like my world just broke. completely. I was no longer Penny, I was just a memory of the past of a ghost that's yet to die. Life is so transitory. I sat next to my father in the car, he's a pretty healthy guy in his 50's but now he was just an old man destined to the grave, so was my younger brother, also old and dead. It really sucks, and I would've probably gotten worse if university hadn't started up again and finally reunited me with my friends again

I'm still not doing so well. The depressing thought have quieted down a bit but now they've manifested in me being obsessed with age. I'll look at someone and the first thing that comes to mind is trying to guess their age and thinking "hey they look pretty good for their age. see? you can still be cool when you're older". I'll think of some artist I like and I look up how old they were when they created some cool project to reassure myself I won't die in spirit once I reach a certain age. Honestly this mentality fucking sucks because I'm not even really sad about getting old its just the dying part that destroys me.

But there has to be SOMETHING to life right? I've experienced so much beautiful life changing art, life HAS to beautiful if not how could such amazing art exist? If life wasn't wonderful why would our ancestors and our ancestors' ancestors kept going?

I'm honestly still not doing great. I'm going to a therapist now at least, but the morbid thoughts come back at night like if I was some sort of depressed werewolf.

In the meantime at least, thank you for reading all of this if you found it, all these stupid corny edgy thoughts of a random deranged internet woman. Enjoy this tiny room, I hope you're doing well :)